Ten Moments, Ten Years
by a2zmom
Summary: Angel's feelings about Buffy through the years. Ten snapshots in time.


Pre-series

He should have been worried.

He watched, hidden in the shadows, as her watcher killed himself instead of letting himself be turned. He saw the emotions flit over Buffy's face – grief, shock, despair. Lothos' eyes burned yellow, believing that Buffy was broken now, that she'd be easy prey. But Angel saw something else. He saw a steely determination sprout and knew that Lothos would be dust.

He'd been shadowing her for months now and every day his admiration grew. But this day, seeing her hidden strength, his feelings pushed him over an invisible line and he finally fell in love.

2. Season 1 – Welcome to the Hellmouth

He should have been embarrassed.

She's almost a foot shorter than he was and he had to outweigh her by a hundred pounds. Within seconds, not only had she surprised him, she'd overpowered him with no more effort than if he was a gnat. He knew that she'd already lived through far too much and all she wanted was some normalcy. Instead, he put on a cocky front and told her she needed to keep fighting.

Later, alone in his apartment, he relived the sound of her voice, the explosive strength of her body and grinned like a lovesick fool.

3. season 2 – Bad Eggs

He should have been cautious.

Planning and foresight had kept him alive far longer than the average vampire. He'd never been one to take risks just for an easy thrill. But when he saw her smiling, he forgot everything except the way her mouth tasted, the way her body felt when he pulled her close to him, the way her soft whispers excited him more than anything else ever had. He couldn't imagine what she saw in him but he tried his best to be there for her.

Loving her had to be the most dangerous thing he'd ever done.

4. Season 3 - Lover's Walk

He should have been happy.

She had told him that she had moved on. That there was no longer anything between them and that she was only there to help him recover his strength. Spike had seen the truth. It didn't matter that he had murdered people she knew, that he had tortured her friends, that he had almost succeeded in ending the world. She should hate him, but instead she still loved him.

It didn't do him any good. Now that he knew he still had her heart, the reality was he couldn't have anything of her at all.

5. Season 4 – Sanctuary (AtS, season 1)

He should have been proud.

Faith had come to him, full of rage and suicidal. She couldn't see any way out from under her crushing self-hatred. He had shown her a path and although it would be difficult, she could find atonement.

But when he closed his eyes, all he could see was Buffy's look of betrayal. He knew her too well and with a bit of reflection, he saw her cruel words about loving someone new as her way of trying to hide her pain. The one thing he still excelled at was wounding the woman he still loved.

6. Season 5 – Forever

He should have been dejected.

He had arrived and spent the night simply holding her, content to lend her whatever strength she needed. At the end they had kissed and in a second, passion had overwhelmed them both, making it obvious that nothing had changed between them.

As he drove back to LA, he mused on how far he had recently fallen from grace and how hard it was going to be to persuade his friends to trust him. Knowing that Buffy still loved him convinced him that as long as she still believed in him, everything would work out.

7. Season 6 – offscreen meeting

He should have been ecstatic.

When he first spotted her, silhouetted against the moonlight, he thought he was in danger of losing his soul again. Then as she came closer, he smelled the stench of the graveyard that still clung to her skin and saw that her eyes were vacant and lifeless.

He begged her to let him help her. She looked at him and said seeing him was just too painful and it was better if they permanently kept their distance.

He hadn't expected that she'd be deader to him now than when she was lying in her grave.

8. Season 7 – Chosen

He should have been angry.

Smelling Spike all over her was the last thing he ever expected and it hurt like hell.

In the last few days, he had turned his life inside out – he had given up his son, let go of his integrity, allowed his friends to be brainwashed. But then he thought of how she had looked at him when she said that sometimes she thought about the future. The way she tasted when she had eagerly pushed her tongue into his mouth when they had kissed. Unexpectantly he found that he was still able to smile.

9. Post NFA

He should have been grateful.

She found him after weeks of searching, holed up in a building that was mostly rubble. His friends and son were dead, LA was in shambles and his final stand didn't appear to have had any outward affect at all. He begged her to stake him. Instead, she tended his wounds.

She told him about the many mistakes she had made and all the times she thought she couldn't continue. The burdens they were asked to bear were unfair but evil was always present, so what choice did they have? In the end, he nodded.

10. One year later.

He was no longer frightened.

They found each other in Denmark, both there independently to avert an apocalypse. After, he walked her to her room. She told him how Willow had died the previous month. He didn't offer any condolences, instead he held her tightly and when she kissed him, he didn't break it off.

Their bodies still fit together perfectly, but there was no more innocence between them and their lovemaking was tinged with regret and sorrow.

They didn't live happily ever after, too much had happened. But they stayed together and loved each other and that was enough.

Author' note: The pre-series scenario is from Joss' original movie script.


End file.
